Okay, here's the deal. Pretty much all the villains in graphic novel land are fierce. For the past decade the bar has been raised with regard to what a bad guy will do. Out and out murder - Carnage. The deaths of millions - The Watchmen. Infecting poor victims with diseases. Stealing their souls. The villains below, though, have caught my attention for particular nastiness. But if you're like me, you like to be shocked, and sometimes scared out of your socks.
Marvel
Look at these guys. They are uuuuugly!!
Carnage and Venom- These Spiderman villains are basically brothers. Here's the skinny. It all begins with a black Spiderman suit that's well...alive. For a time Spidey himself wore this living costume and he got stronger but also all weird. To make a long story short, Spidey discarded the bad suit and it crawled onto Eddie Brock who became Venom. While Venom was bad enough, like a suped-up, long-tongued, razor-toothed Spiderman on steroids who occasionally ate his victims, Carnage was a whole lot worse. Already a psychopath, Cletus Kasady, had no interest in world domination or even robbing banks. He only wanted to kill and his new red duds - a portion of Venom's living costume - allowed him to do just. They projected blades and strangling ropes the way Spiderman's projected webs. In the end, although it was out of character for him, Spiderman was forced to go along with the killing of Carnage. Unfortunately, Venom is still hanging around and still bat-shit loony.
Don't mind me. I'm just here to eat your world.
Galactus - This dude's aliases tell it all: Devourer of Worlds, Destroyer of Civilizations, or just plain Planet Eater. Once a regular guy in the universe that preceded ours, Galen is the last remnant of that universe. You could say he was altered in the final cosmic blast. After sleeping for God knows for how long he awoke a cosmic vampire who not only must consume worlds to live but these worlds have to have a good sized population to be tasty. Together with his herald, The Silver Surfer, he travels the cosmos in a space ship the size of a solar system. The routine is as follows. Silver Surfer - yes he's silver and yes he zooms into the stratosphere on a surf board - warns everybody that their days are numbered and there's not a whole lot they can do about it. Then after a time, where the inhabitants weep and rend their clothing, Galactus blasts the planet with some energy doohickey and gobbles up the pieces. Of course, he would eventually set his sights on Earth. That goes without saying.
Let me get this out of the way. Growing up I was a whole lot more afraid of monsters who were, shall we say, intimate. Monsters, like the Wolfman or a vampire, who would single you out for their monstering. Giant things, like building-sized spiders, might step right over you and not notice you at all. At least that was my reasoning.
Our next weirdo, Eclipso is of the former kind. He just looks like someone you would come upon and he would do you personal hurt and for no better reason than that was his nature. Here's what he looks like:
Kind of a hyper-Joker (just as nuts but with a buttload of extra abilities) with a weird mission in life. Let me lay this bad guy out for you. First of all he possesses people, takes over their bodies. I hate that. No thank you. Please leave my mind and body alone. Next he hates light, so he wants to destroy the sun (thus the name Eclipso) or at least blot out its light. Personally, I think this is a bad idea. I like the sun and I think we'd all be worse off without it. I'm leaving out all his super powers - and he has a bunch of 'em - for a last look at another of his penchants. Long ago a crystal called The Heart of Darkness exploded and its pieces flew all over the world - were talking hundreds of pretty dark diamond-looking shards. So imagine yourself walking along a mountain road and you come across one of these pretty rocks and you pick it up. You are now marked for death. And who is your executioner - wait for it - Eclipso. Just for picking up a rock. That hardly seems fair.
Next up Abomination (is that a name or what?), Thanos, and...well you'll just have to see.
This, dear friends, shall be the last compendium of Willie's barbs. I hope you've enjoyed them as much as I have.
His brain which is as dry as the remainder biscuit after a voyage.
You tread upon my patience.
You egg, you fry of treachery.
Thou foul lump of deformity.
Out of my sight, thou dost infect my eyes.
Thou poisonous bunch-backed toad.
Beg that thou may leave to hang thyself.
Vile worm, you were overlooked even in thy birth.
Drunkenness is his best virtue.
How foul and loathsome is thy image.
Were I like thee, I would throw away myself.
He has no so much brains as ear wax
I'll beat thee, but I should infect my hands.
And for our final insult something with a little more class
You ruinous butt!!
Tis true. I could not stay away from the Bard of Avon's caustic wit. Verily, I have been entertained and so shall thee. Be thee prepared to howl.
Your bum is the greatest thing about you.
You have such a February face.
Pray you, stand further from me.
You lisp and wear strange suits.
What a disgrace it is to me that I should remember your name.
She hath more hair than wit.
You are strangely troublesome.
I can hardly forebear hurling things at him.
Put your face between his sheets and do the office of a warming pan.
I was seeking for a fool when I found you.
And now one that translates through the ages.
Thou misshapen dick.
Egyptian Creation Story - First of all let me present what I think is the coolest part of the Egyptian Creation saga. We are, all of us, the tears of the sun, literally the product of Atum-Ra's saddness. Now to the rest of the story. Atum-Ra, the Sun God was also the first god and all other gods sprung from his body. Shu (the god of air) and Tefnut (the god of moisture in all its forms) were born out of masturbation. These were the first male (Shu) and female (Tefnut). This brother and sister gave birth to Geb and Nut (the Earth and Sky). Once these gods were in place, Tefnut became the Maat, the order bringer and arranged the Earth and its center Egypt. Thus all things were divinely placed: The sacred Nile, the Rites of Worship, The Floods, The roles for priests, the Pharaohs, the people.
Aztecs also worshiped the sun. In fact, if anything, they revered it more - to the tune of human sacrifice.
Aztec Creation Story - In the beginning, there was only the goddess Omencihuatl and her first act of creation was to manufacture a knife. I suppose that makes sense for a people who would need knives a lot. This knife fell to Earth (which I assume she also created) and from it sprang the kingdom of Mexica and the gods. As for the creation of everything else, this tale is called "The Myth of the Five Suns." Like the story of the Navajo, there were worlds within worlds, five of them, each protected by a Sun God. The First World, in the North, was ruled by Tezcatlipoca, God of Darkness. It was eaten by Tigers. The Second world, in the West was governed by Quetzalcoatl, God of Magic. It was wiped out by Winds. And oh yeah, it human inhabitants became monkeys.The Third World, in the South, was ruled Tlaloc, God of Fire. It was rubbed out by a Rain of Fire and its humans became birds. The Fourth World, in the East was ruled over by the Goddess Chalchihuitlicue (Goddess of water). Appropriately this one was wiped out by a flood. I'm going to assume these guys became fish. The Fifth World, the one we all live in and which Mexica was its center, was and still is, ruled over by another Fire God, Xuihtecuhtli. When it is finally destroyed it will be wiped out by the Mother of all Earthquakes.
This is the second installment - see the earlier Scandinavian and Sumerian - in a multiple part series on creation stories. Since there were many North American creation stories, I have chosen the Navajo story. Similarly, there were a large number of African stories and I selected one, the Dogon Creation Story.
Navajo - Even to this day there are a number of domed worlds - five altogether- built one atop the other. First world, deep underground was centered on a huge ocean and was populated by the Insect People, led by Locust. Because of the wrath of their gods they were forced upwards to the World of the Swallows. Again they screwed up and had to rise up to the Grasshopper World where they blew it again and had to rise up to the Kisani, the Pueblo People. The two races got along famously and together created First Man and First Woman. These did their job and made many children. Two divine creatures, one called Water Monster and the other The Trickster Coyote for some reason known only to the gods started kidnapping young girls. The people - both The Insect People and the Kisani and the humans they created - were forced to go into hiding. A brave insect, Locust, (kind of a bug Moses) led everyone out of this intolerable situation up into the Fifth World, the world they inhabit to this day.
Dogon Creation Story (Africa) - First there was the World Egg which had been fertilized by the creator, Amma. The egg cracked into two halves each containing a set of divine identical twins, male and female. These four are called The Nummo. Amma flung some divine clay from the heavens and created the Earth. These four took it into their heads to fall to the Earth and copulate with it and each other- thus humans came to be. Once the human race established itself, the original Nummo twins became something that would feed all the world, the grasses of the plains. And from there they eternally watch over their creation.
I found myself immersed in one creation story after another (I think Myth sounds a bit condescending) for the past few days so I thought I would share a few - maybe just two this time. There are a bunch from Native American to Buddhist to Scandinavian to Hebrew. All of them are fascinating.
Sumeria -
I'm inclined to start here for no other reason that I think these guys influenced a number of other creation stories and many of the religions that began in the fertile crescent - they had the original flood story. Okay here's the skinny on how the world got going. An (Heaven) and Ki (Earth) - the original gods and the parents of the other gods - united to form Anki (the universe). The other gods came along later and began right off intermarrying. The children of these gods thought the necessary task of farming was too difficult so they created humans. This was done by the Nammu (goddess of the water) who put her son to the task of making people. Once the humans started in on farming the gods organized the Tigris and Euphrates so the job could be easier. Strangely, it was the trickster god Enki, a notoriously lazy fellow, who got most of this going. Rumor has it that he used his penis to fill the rivers and streams. He also wanted to use that same penis to impregnate the maiden goddess Uttu but she would not agree until he invented vegetation - fruits and vegetables. He must have wanted her pretty bad because he presented her with three of his inventions: apples, cucumbers, and grapes. She gave in and their offspring invented all the other fruits of the fields.
Let's go to another part of the world to see how they started everything. Whereas Sumerians used sex to begin the world - they revered the sexual act as divine, Scandinavians used a combination of sex and murder (strangely enough the Greeks started creation with a patricide).
Norse - When the void, or at least near-void existed there were three regions: Mudspell in the south - all molten rock and inhabited by a demon named Black Surt who wielded a flaming sword always ready to destroy anything even remotely looking like creation. Niflheim in the north, all ice and frost. And finally between them both Ginungagap, a wet place of rivers but still kind of sterile. In this middle region was born a frost giant named Ymir, who had a propensity for other beings to spring out of his orifices. An man and a woman sprang out of his armpits. A family of frost giants emerged from between his legs. From his middle came the first cow, Audumla.
Audumla licked at the borders of ice around the rivers and Buri, one of the original gods came forth. He married one of the frost giants and they had a son, Bor. Bor married Bestla, another frost giant - I guess the gene pool was kind of restricted. But here's where things get interesting. Bestla had three children Odin, Vili, and Ve. These guys must have been born belligerent because the first thing they did was kill the original Frost Giant Ymir and from his flesh and bones they created the world. His blood made the oceans and lakes. The sky came from his skull. They made the walls of Mitgard (that's the Earth for you people who didn't see the movie Thor) from his eyebrows - imagine that! They then created Embla, the first woman (I know. I thought a woman sprang from Ymir's armpit) and Ask, the first man. I guess it was a big deal to have dwarfs because they were created out of the maggots feasting on Ymir's flesh. Mitgard was given to these two as their home and they went straight about making all the people who came after. Asgard the home of the gods was the last thing to be created. Of course, in the middle of all this creating there were heavenly wars, ...and more wars...and more wars. Vikings loved to fight.
Coming attractions - Native American and Chinese Creation Stories. Stay tuned.
I don't know about you but I'm ready for some more put downs from the Bard. I am continually amazed at his use of common words in uncommon ways to create fabulous burns. So gentle people let the games begin.
I do desire we may be better strangers.
Thou frothy flap-mouthed minnow.
You scullion! You rampallian! You Fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.
Thou puking dismal-dreaming horn.
Villain, I have done thy mother.
Thou spleeny flap-mouthed harpy.
They lie deadly when they tell you, you have good faces.
Thou rank beef-witted measle.
Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch.
Thou churlish fen-sucked strumpet.
Away, moldy rogue, away!
I think thou wast created for men to breathe themselves upon you.
More of your conversation would infect my brain.
I wonder that you still be talking. Nobody marks you.
Well, that's all for now. I challenge you to use one of these pithy phrases on an acquaintance who doest thou find irksome.
